July 22nd, 2025
I'm going to get help soon, my mom scheduled a doctors appointment for me. Though things have gotten worse, I haven't really been feeling any emotions or at least not as strongly. I can't feel sad or mad or happy, I just have this negative mood in the background. I am still capable of doing things like laughing and missing people, obviously. But it doesn't feel like a feeling, just what I know.
August 16th, 2025
Doctors appointment went fine. I should be getting a psychologist soon, today I got my blood taken out. At least I'll have somebody to listen to me. It's not like I don't trust anyone, I am fully capable of that. I just want it gone, I want my paranoia to go away.
September 8th, 2025
I'm talking to my schools therapist now.
November 16th, 2025
Nothing has gotten better, though I do always look forward to talking to my therapist again. She says it may be psychosis.
I mostly believe things that I DO know are false, but just because I know doesn't mean I can stop believing those things. I also see, hear, smell, and sometimes feel things that aren't real. They don't last long whenever they do come up, but they are still present. I haven't been able to feel much emotion. I can, but It's very dulled. I've had all of this since 5th grade, but I was very sad in 3rd grade. Not depressed, just sad.
December 7th, 2025I feel like I'm going to die very soon. I always feel this way.
December 17th, 2025Sometimes I wonder what hell is like. I think a life of only suffering is hell. But hell is different for everybody. Nobody will ever understand you or me, that's the whole point of understanding (that you can't and will not understand). I could understand myself though, but no matter how hard I try I just can't. My brain has been torn and I've lost a lot of who I originally was. I was always "weird", but now people see me as double weird whenever they find out what's in my head. But the people controlling it won't let "me" go, so whatever is left is forced to be in this hell. I just want to bash my head in the wall again until I can get them all out my brain and I can be left in space forever.
December 21st, 2025My head hurts so bad, it was hurting just as bad yesterday, so I decided to mess with it a bit. That pain feels better and takes the other pain away, not the best solution but nothing else was working and maybe they were getting into my brain again. You never know.
December 23rd, 2025My mom took away all my knives and baseball bats (expect for one) because of what I did to myself. She says she didn't know how serious my mental health is. I never realized how much mold is in my room, and It's bad. I barely realized because I never bothered to check that area, it scares me so bad. I'll get it cleaned soon since now I know.
December 29th, 2025People are plotting against me, they want my downfall. I talked to one of the only few people I trust about it, and now I do feel a little better, but the feeling won't go away. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Update: August 5th, 2026Hey, I'm going to add my journal entries from 2025 and some from 2024 on here from my journal app since I need more storage on there... Anyways, some text will be modified.
October 15th, 2024After school couldn't go to rock band. Homework hour was amazing though. Told my friend my crush. She said "who was that guy you like?" I said "which one" and she asked me if it was "one of the weezers" and it was the funniest thing ever. My friend got me a Weezer shirt too! I had also created the character M-M-M-M-M-M MAUREEN! a few days ago.
December 19th, 2024Went to school, finals are all done. My friend gave me a whole Nintendo DS while Kat gave me a cute gray teddy plush. Miles gave me the first 3-in-1 Evangelion book even though I already had it, with bracelets. It's alright though, 2 is better than 1. Everyone sang happy birthday, Abraham joined in too which was funny. I got money from my dad too. I kept the 2 year streak of wearing my Weezer shirt on my birthday, hopefully I will next year as well. I watched Kim Possible as well and finally sang again, since I've been sick.
January 18th, 2025winter break done, grades reset. tiktok getting banned tomorrow. life is always alright for everyone, in fact a single season will last like an autumn to remember.
February 10th, 2025I wrote the Marie and Mat poem, "You never loved her, me and mat never deserved that"
I learnt the lyrics to when I come around by green day
I watched flcl finally 😓
These past few days were good, no mental breakdowns. I got my airflow back for singing and my breathing is getting better. I went to the dollar tree and got some stuff, got chick fil a. I cleared out some photo albums for my dad. Rock band is only on Mondays, Wednesdays (or Thursdays I forgot) and Fridays now. 4 day weekend- plus I got a new iPad, finally!!
March 6th, 2025Been meaning to write in here for so long, I just get lazy.I got "diagnosed" with exercise induced asthma. I got my inhaler n stuff it's working so far.
June 21st, 2025School ended as well, awhile ago actually. Summer school sucks but I can only hope to pass since I've been doing terrible. Went to the high school graduation too, missed the after school program for it but it was worth it to see my sister and her friends graduate. I couldn't get up from bed 2 days ago, physically wasn't able to. Writing is still in progress. MAYBE I'll read the flcl novels, I really wanna get the physical copies though
July 15th, 2025Schools going to start soon, and I'm in all advanced classes surprisingly, I'm in 9th grade math now because of the summer school. "A Tribute to Mikey" started some days ago.
December 19th, 2025Today's my birthday. I got the 2nd and 3rd Evangelion books finally. I've learnt lyrics to a lot of new songs. I have big feelings for Leo and it's destroying me, but everything will be alright in the end. It's frustrating because I've never felt like this with anybody not even miles but I don't want to hurt him. I finished finals and passed my classes with straight A's. We had Winterfest and jiggle run performances. I wore my Weezer shirt today as well, this time green album instead of blue but we keeping that streak alive 100%.