uhhhh yeahhhhh
January 1st, 2026Very very happy new year.
Anyways, I often wonder why people are nice to me. I cry whenever somebody seems to really care about me, especially if It's somebody I really like talking to. But whatever. I've been wondering about the end of the world. I mean, I can't wait to see what'll happen but I also really don't want to be here to experience it. Probably way in the future. What if aliens save us? Or what if they are the ones to destroy earth? I doubt it, humans will destroy earth, not aliens. Maybe I'm wrong. Most likely. I mean, we could all just be one single person. But I wouldn't know.
People must know answers. No one can be trusted. You form relationships with people you deem fit. My brain is going to be scanned soon because they need to know if I have a tumor that's making me hallucinate and have delusions. I can't stop believing these things, but I know they are most likely fake. But I can't know, I'm only trapped in my mind. I could not be real at all. Maybe if I'm not real, that would be better. For myself and others. I like a guy, but I'm scared I'll hurt him like I've hurt others. And that would be terrible, he's the only person I've ever truly cared about. Everybody else is the same. They are all the same and you are too, you just don't believe it because apparently you're "real".
January 17th, 2026I'm taking prozac now. My mom wants me to take zoloft instead, I don't understand the difference. I still have to get a psychiatrist though. I feel a bit better, I'll wait to see if I improve with time.
January 18th, 2026I feel I am improving. I've barely started taking the medication but I'm feeling better, that's all that matters. But It's probably placebo effect. I'll see if anything changes later on.
January 26th, 2026I have a bad but good feeling. It feels good and bad. I went to the thrift yesterday though, that was fun. I have a feeling I'll die.
January 28th, 2026I told the guy I like that, well, I like him. He hasn't responded, It's been 2 days. He could've said no or yes or anything inbetween. I just wanted a reply, but I guess I'm not worth taking 5 seconds to write back to because my feelings are stupid and aren't true enough for him or whatever bullshit. I'm not mad, I just think It's fucked up somebody I actually feel something towards doesn't want to write back. But hopefully he's just processing it and doesn't actually hate me enough to not respond.
February 2nd, 2026I have been told venus is coming soon, and saturns rings are ringing. People are annoying.
February 4th, 2026My legs feel weak. I don't know why but I keep having trouble walking. I just feel so tired. I don't want to do anything important, only lying in bed playing games or something. Not even sleeping, I just want to relax. Everything is becoming boring.
February 12th, 2026I'm doing a petition because I got lunch detention for having my iPad charged at 79% when it drained overnight. The rule is for it to be at 80%. This is illogical.
February 19th, 2026I'm back on prozac, I got switched to zoloft awhile ago because of my mom. I just kinda forgot to write it in here that I switched to zoloft but now back to prozac. But, I feel like my world is crumbling even if it isn't actually. It's not like I'm dying, but I FEEL like I am. Nobody listens at all, never. Something is ruined. Like, terribly ruined. It sounds dumb but you've got to understand how I feel. He doesn't like me back.
February 23rd, 2026Eternity is scary. I don't like my thoughts because I have no track of them. They torture me. At least the days treat me well.
March 2nd, 2026Holy guacamole I got my first A+ on a math test in 8th grade. I'm like REALLY happy about that.
March 4th, 2026There's drama going around at school. Everybody, like EVERYBODY is mad at this one kid. I'm not mad necessarily, but it is upsetting to witness. He's just been really weird with a friend of mine and a lot of other stuff. It's really immature, I feel bad for her.
March 10th, 2026I feel terrible all the time. At the same time I feel so neutral towards everything. Maybe because I only focus on things that I think matter, when really they don't. I'm so tired, I'm destroying myself by the day. I mean, what really matters? Nothing expect the universe does, realistically. But I kind of hate that thought, yet I also find some comfort in it. "This Too Shall Pass", everything will be alright in the end. Nobody should expect the good to last forever, but the bad won't last forever either. It is draining. I mean, do I even matter? Technically I do, but my feelings are telling me otherwise. My brain is always at a tug of war. One side is right and the other is delusional, like actually delusional. Speaking of, I hate how people made that word into some quirky thing. "Delulu" or whatever, it is sickening. People are so disgusting, they lay in their own filth.
March 17th, 2026I can only hope for good. Something is ruined, and I'm almost sure of it. I don't want to believe it at all, I really don't want to since it'll feel life ruining. I hate this feeling.
March 18th, 2026I have the urge to do something that would be very bad, but the thing won't stop annoying me. I feel like I need to do this, but it'll only end horribly so why should I? This is confusing.
March 24th, 2026I'm starting to feel better since I'm trying to get over the guy I like.
March 28th, 2026I've grown to hate almost everything, yet love it at the same time. I am eternally grateful for people, though. Humans are parasites, yet so beautiful at the same time. I'm more grateful to be human than be any other animal. Because if I were to be any other animal, then I'd probably be eaten or hunted. I am grateful to be living.
March 30th, 2026No more hope to give but I continue anyways. Odd things for an odd, disgusting, rotting world. Why does it continue? If I die would it still continue? My brain is rotting. It's been rotting for a couple years now. I hate those people who say they cannot help because I'm not old enough. What kind of logic is that? If people need help, give it to them. You are willingly letting them suffer. I hate the medical system more than anything. Just give me what I need before my condition gets worse, and give it to kids older and younger than me. Those people and I deserve more than hearing such idiotic ideas. I don't want to die yet, but I'm so tired of my brain. I'm just another "schizo" to them.
April 8th, 2026PE class deadass has to be some sort of child abuse. It's so annoying how the system for PE works. I think teaching us about dieting (not just what we should and shouldn't eat, but also facts about nutrition and stuff) AND exercise would be more useful for life. Instead, all we do is play sports and run, I find it illogical but whatever. The teachers are dicks too, they're completely immature for their age and act as if they run the place. In a way, they do run it but authority doesn't mean you're better.
April 9th, 2026My dose of prozac has increased.
My mood has gotten better, I'm pretty happy about that and happy in general! I'm very glad. I hope things only get better from here.
People look down on art a lot, and it is annoying. Some pieces aren't more "weak" or more "expensive", at least from my point of view. Art is a priceless thing, it is something for self-expression. It is dumb how some people may treat it as a small thing, when almost everything around us in some way, is a work of art.
I'm saying this because I saw someone say that if you explain your artwork, then it makes it weak. That is a flawed perspective. I think it's obvious why, but it IS an opinion at the end of the day.
I wake up at 4am every weekday for school. It's so stupid how school starts so early, and will end late depending on what country you're from and what electives you take. It's so dumb to prioritize grades over a basic need. I mean, I have pretty good grades but I'd rather sleep and have fun over that.
April 24th, 2026I'm starting to see things again more often. Everytime I close my eyes for over 5 seconds I start to hear voices. They tell me random things, nothing special. It kind of comforts me, but then I remember that it's not "normal".
I want to learn to become content with death. Technically, way before you're born, you've already experienced it in a way. It just wasn't for forever. I want to be at peace with it more than anything, so I can let go of so many worries, but it's hard.
Buddhism genuinely seems like the only correct path, at least for me. Christianity always scared me, but Buddhism feels comforting.
April 30th, 2026The voices at night are getting louder. I don't know why they won't stop.
Anyways, I have state and end of course exams this week and next week. It should be fairly easy. I kind of enjoy testing actually because everyone is quiet and I don't have to hear so many negative things all at once. There are always so many negative people around at school, it's upsetting.
I want to apologize to him, but would I be dragging it? I feel it is the right thing to do, logically and morally, but others disagree. But I suppose everybody has different logic and morals, and that's just how things are.
I've started medidating and it's pretty nice. I'm not the best at it but I just started doing it a few days ago. It helps me feel a bit calmer, which is a huge thing for me since I'm always in some sort of negative mood.
I hate when people ask me out or like me romanticly when I don't like them back in that way. I don't understand what some people find special about it. It scares me that if I reject them, then they'll start getting obsessive and stalking me or something, like they want revenge. I don't want people to like me that much, that they would actively harm themselves for me in any way. Hopefully that makes sense.
I want to reach the end of the world someday, maybe even the universe. I'd love that because I'd be that peace that way.
The whole thing with Billie Eilishssh or whatever her name is is so stupid. People will eat meat if they want to, everybody is different. I'm vegetarian, I don't eat meat but I will consume dairy, and to me what she is doing is childish. I think we should blame big comapnies for abusing and killing animals, not the people who eat them (unless someone eats AND willingly abuses animals, but that's different). Either way, she needs to shut up and the same goes for everybody else who is paying more attention to their feelings rather than what makes sense in this situation. There are more serious things going on in the world, and this is what we are paying attention to? Bleh
May 12th, 2026Currently in advisory at school, there's a constant ringing which is super annoying. I feel asleep in Spanish class and woke up when the bell rang, didn't finish my work. Well, the work was stupid anyways, always about answering questions instead of the language itself. I don't understand...
I feel like almost nothing makes sense anymore, or probably ever did in the first place. I've been wondering about space and time, specifically if I'm in some sort of not repeatative loop, but almost like the universe was created last second ago. All my memories were just put in place, even recent things. Also wondering if I could travel through time somehow, but there's nothing I could do that would let the future or past me know about this present me. Though, present me changes every second due to time. 5 seconds ago was the past. One day I'll figure this all out, but It's ok if I don't. I just want to know since then I could be at peace, but if you can't find peace in such intense ways, maybe find it in yourself.
"I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home."
May 18th, 2026I've been trying to change my mindset to one that is more positive for myself and others. It'll take awhile but I have hope, you know? I'm going to try and that's what matters. Well, yeah. It is kind of hard due to my delusions and hallucinations, but as long as I calm down and become less paranoid, I know I'll be fine. I don't mind my hallucinations too much, just really annoying. But compared to my other issues, I don't mind them too much.
Been trying to meditate more, It's clearing up my mind a lot and I'm starting to understand myself a bit more! I've felt better recently. More happy I guess, or at least in a more stable mind.
Hey, I'm on the first page when you go through the writing tag on neocities! As well as the 3rd page on Art and 5th on special sauce. I'm really happy. I'm unsure of how to express my happiness when it comes to things like this (or in general), but I really am happy, believe me.
Aside from that, my mental state has been doing a lot better. I'm still seeing and hearing things but my delusions have gotten
better and having more control over myself! I'm also happy about that.
You can technically do whatever you want, so I don't and won't ever understand why people say I'm obligated to do such small things that don't really matter. But you cannot expect to have no consequences. That's kind of just how things are, or at least how they are by set people. I really want to understand these things but I just can't.
My sister constantly says the n word, it's pretty terrible. I'm hispanic but my dad's side of the family leans more towards black heritage, if that makes sense. I don't think anybody at all should say it in all honesty. It makes sense for black people to say it, but that doesn't really make it right. It's a topic that should be talked about more, learnt about more and needs more respect, but in a world with different opinions and beliefs, nothing of the such will change. Even war wouldn't change EVERYBODYS opinion, maybe just the general public. Obviously the n word is just a word, but it is a word with so much history and beyond horror included in it. But like I said, in a word of different opinions and beliefs, not everybody will change nor want to change their minds, and it's a sad truth.
I hate her, I'll just try to avoid her since she's coming over. I just want her gone, she's so negative and annoying.
9:57am - I cried over what she said, I know it's dumb to but I cannot handle such immaturity. The dumbest thing about dumb people is that they don't even try to change nor learn, that's what keeps them dumb.
3:46 - And now she cries over the consequences of her actions. Boohoo.
Went to the mall with my friends yesterday for graduation shopping. I didn't buy a cute dress, though. Instead I brought a shirt of Death the Kidd from Soul Eater. Great use of money, it's a cool shirt.
I don't normally buy fast fashion, but when I actually think about it, whenever I'll buy it, keep it for years and only give it away if it's actually destroyed. Or maybe I'll repurpose it somehow. So I don't really feel that bad about buying from the mall. Plus, it was my favorite mall.
My mom yelled at me because I got out of the mall late by the time she came. Yelling and screaming, but I stayed calm because I remembered that she doesn't actually hate me or anything of the such, she's just upset over something small.
Everybody wants something to change yet do nothing! You ARE part of the problem, quit acting like you aren't.
Self expression has never been worse, or never been better. Stop leaving new trends to even newer ones. All you're doing is wasting money and putting more things into the landfill.
Everybody only wants their definition of better, STOP CLINGING ONTO FALSE OPINIONS, IT ISN'T GOOD FOR THE MIND.
You WILL and CAN find your inner happiness and respect towards yourself and others. Let go of silly ideas that overfill your mind.
May 26th, 2026Next paintings it'll work and beautiful creations not created just yet, you need patience.
My heart feels fuzzy- like warm. I'm happy I think, and I'm grateful for that.
I'm currently at school while writing this... I just want to go home, watch Urusei Yatsura and call it a day bro. At least schools almost over, it ends during the first week of June for me.
Keep falling asleep while doing my finals... I don't get much sleep in general, only on the weekends.
I probably failed my pe one. I mean, more than 95% of the questions were things we didn't even learn about. I'm not over exaggerating either. We go home early today, so at least I can rest and sleep more! That's nice. Don't have much to write about in all honesty, other than my days and the fact my mental health/mental state is getting way better. I have my math finals next, I'm done for. I mean, I have a B+ so I'm still passing, thankfully. I think It's just the district final, not class final. I retook the class final 2 weeks ago and got a B+, raised my grade by 2%. Orginally got an F.
Yesterday was the day I realized that I never wanted to die, or kill myself, I just never wanted to exist.
I'm grateful for the people I've met and became friends with, but if I didn't exist, then they wouldn't have met me. Obviously. But that's better than them meeting me.
I no longer want to kill myself. I just wish I never existed.
My legs have been hurting because I kept hitting them last night in a mental breakdown. Well not hurting, but sore and weak. Like I can't walk.
May 30th, 2026CLOSE TO SCORING WE AINT SHOOTING FROM THE MOON ANYMORE
May 31st, 2026Nevermind shot from the moon we're sad bart now
8:18 PM - I don't understand why I cannot make decisions by myself, or understand anything. I can't tell, I always don't trust people or I really, really love them. I don't get it. I'm so tired of my brain.
There are certain things that people will never understand, and that not understanding is fine. Live in the present before it comes the past, work on the present to have a good future. Not everybody will or can, so treat them fairly and have respect. Otherwise, you are a negative person that most shouldn't and wouldn't get along with.
June 5th, 2026Today, I graduated middle school. Last day that I walked through those halls, most likely. It's bittersweet, you know? My best friend and my parents gave me gifts. I cried at the letter my friend gave me- keep in mind I rarely ever cry over being too happy or too sad, or anything really, so that letter means a lot to me. In the end, it's something that'll happen, time moves forward. And you know what, maybe time isn't always infinite. If so, that makes these experiences even more beautiful. I'm grateful to still be alive, and to hear people screaming for me and clapping as loud as possible when I was called. When two of my friends carried me while walking out the field area. When I got to take photos with my best friends.
June 7th, 2026Taking a lot of Prozac sounds awesome right now. I want to die so badly but I love everything so much yet I hate it. Wish someone would hire a hitman on me, or run me over. I was thinking about killing myself with just like, a kitchen knife, but why should I kill myself? I have a lot to live for, technically, but I hate this dumb world so much. Not even myself, I don't hate myself. I hate the world around me. I'll be at peace someday, though. I know that, or at least hope for that.
June 9th, 2026There is no such thing as forever and no such thing as nothing. If you think otherwise, I'd want to hear the best reason given.
Also I don't get how people can like capitalism, communism and socialism like what? People be glazing anything bro. None of these are good at ALL. Communism is only good on paper to be honest. Obviously there isn't such a thing as a perfect society, but whatever. Everything gets ruined by human greed. I don't stand for the left or for the right. All I want is everybody to be happy, no crime and no people who dictate everything. I hate, hate it. So I'll just try my best to focus on myself and the people around me to avoid it.