Did you read the disclaimers before entering? It would be kind of awkward if you didn't. Anyways, this is my diary from 2026. There are other things beyond my everyday life, like writings, lots of philosophical topics & questions, religion, and some other stuff. So this can sometimes be a whole mix of random things and my actual life. I honestly just write whatever I really want to write about.
Very very happy new year.
Anyways, I often wonder why people are nice to me. I cry whenever somebody seems to really care about me, especially if It's somebody I really like talking to. But whatever. I've been wondering about the end of the world. I mean, I can't wait to see what'll happen but I also really don't want to be here to experience it. Probably way in the future. What if aliens save us? Or what if they are the ones to destroy earth? I doubt it, humans will destroy earth, not aliens. Maybe I'm wrong. Most likely. I mean, we could all just be one single person. But I wouldn't know.
People must know answers. No one can be trusted. You form relationships with people you deem fit. My brain is going to be scanned soon because they need to know if I have a tumor that's making me hallucinate and have delusions. I can't stop believing these things, but I know they are most likely fake. But I can't know, I'm only trapped in my mind. I could not be real at all. Maybe if I'm not real, that would be better. For myself and others. I like a guy, but I'm scared I'll hurt him like I've hurt others. And that would be terrible, he's the only person I've ever truly cared about. Everybody else is the same. They are all the same and you are too, you just don't believe it because apparently you're "real".
January 17th, 2026I'm taking prozac now. My mom wants me to take zoloft instead, I don't understand the difference. I still have to get a psychiatrist though. I feel a bit better, I'll wait to see if I improve with time.
January 18th, 2026I feel I am improving. I've barely started taking the medication but I'm feeling better, that's all that matters. But It's probably placebo effect. I'll see if anything changes later on.
January 26th, 2026I have a bad but good feeling. It feels good and bad. I went to the thrift yesterday though, that was fun. I have a feeling I'll die.
January 28th, 2026I told the guy I like that, well, I like him. He hasn't responded, It's been 2 days. He could've said no or yes or anything inbetween. I just wanted a reply, but I guess I'm not worth taking 5 seconds to write back to because my feelings are stupid and aren't true enough for him or whatever bullshit. I'm not mad, I just think It's fucked up somebody I actually feel something towards doesn't want to write back. But hopefully he's just processing it and doesn't actually hate me enough to not respond.
February 2nd, 2026I have been told venus is coming soon, and saturns rings are ringing. People are annoying.
February 4th, 2026My legs feel weak. I don't know why but I keep having trouble walking. I just feel so tired. I don't want to do anything important, only lying in bed playing games or something. Not even sleeping, I just want to relax. Everything is becoming boring.
February 12th, 2026I'm doing a petition because I got lunch detention for having my iPad charged at 79% when it drained overnight. The rule is for it to be at 80%. This is illogical.
February 19th, 2026I'm back on prozac, I got switched to zoloft awhile ago because of my mom. I just kinda forgot to write it in here that I switched to zoloft but now back to prozac. But, I feel like my world is crumbling even if it isn't actually. It's not like I'm dying, but I FEEL like I am. Nobody listens at all, never. Something is ruined. Like, terribly ruined. It sounds dumb but you've got to understand how I feel. He doesn't like me back.
February 23rd, 2026Eternity is scary. I don't like my thoughts because I have no track of them. They torture me. At least the days treat me well.
March 2nd, 2026Holy guacamole I got my first A+ on a math test in 8th grade. I'm like REALLY happy about that.
March 4th, 2026There's drama going around at school. Everybody, like EVERYBODY is mad at this one kid. I'm not mad necessarily, but it is upsetting to witness. He's just been really weird with a friend of mine and a lot of other stuff. It's really immature, I feel bad for her.
March 10th, 2026I feel terrible all the time. At the same time I feel so neutral towards everything. Maybe because I only focus on things that I think matter, when really they don't. I'm so tired, I'm destroying myself by the day. I mean, what really matters? Nothing expect the universe does, realistically. But I kind of hate that thought, yet I also find some comfort in it. "This Too Shall Pass", everything will be alright in the end. Nobody should expect the good to last forever, but the bad won't last forever either. It is draining. I mean, do I even matter? Technically I do, but my feelings are telling me otherwise. My brain is always at a tug of war. One side is right and the other is delusional, like actually delusional. Speaking of, I hate how people made that word into some quirky thing. "Delulu" or whatever, it is sickening. People are so disgusting, they lay in their own filth.
March 17th, 2026I can only hope for good. Something is ruined, and I'm almost sure of it. I don't want to believe it at all, I really don't want to since it'll feel life ruining. I hate this feeling.
March 18th, 2026I have the urge to do something that would be very bad, but the thing won't stop annoying me. I feel like I need to do this, but it'll only end horribly so why should I? This is confusing.
March 24th, 2026I'm starting to feel better since I'm trying to get over the guy I like.
March 28th, 2026I've grown to hate almost everything, yet love it at the same time. I am eternally grateful for people, though. Humans are parasites, yet so beautiful at the same time. I'm more grateful to be human than be any other animal. Because if I were to be any other animal, then I'd probably be eaten or hunted. I am grateful to be living.
March 30th, 2026No more hope to give but I continue anyways. Odd things for an odd, disgusting, rotting world. Why does it continue? If I die would it still continue? My brain is rotting. It's been rotting for a couple years now. I hate those people who say they cannot help because I'm not old enough. What kind of logic is that? If people need help, give it to them. You are willingly letting them suffer. I hate the medical system more than anything. Just give me what I need before my condition gets worse, and give it to kids older and younger than me. Those people and I deserve more than hearing such idiotic ideas. I don't want to die yet, but I'm so tired of my brain. I'm just another "schizo" to them.
April 8th, 2026PE class deadass has to be some sort of child abuse. It's so annoying how the system for PE works. I think teaching us about dieting (not just what we should and shouldn't eat, but also facts about nutrition and stuff) AND exercise would be more useful for life. Instead, all we do is play sports and run, I find it illogical but whatever. The teachers are dicks too, they're completely immature for their age and act as if they run the place. In a way, they do run it but authority doesn't mean you're better.
April 9th, 2026My dose of prozac has increased.
My mood has gotten better, I'm pretty happy about that and happy in general! I'm very glad. I hope things only get better from here.
People look down on art a lot, and it is annoying. Some pieces aren't more "weak" or more "expensive", at least from my point of view. Art is a priceless thing, it is something for self-expression. It is dumb how some people may treat it as a small thing, when almost everything around us in some way, is a work of art.
I'm saying this because I saw someone say that if you explain your artwork, then it makes it weak. That is a flawed perspective. I think it's obvious why, but it IS an opinion at the end of the day.
I wake up at 4am every weekday for school. It's so stupid how school starts so early, and will end late depending on what country you're from and what electives you take. It's so dumb to prioritize grades over a basic need. I mean, I have pretty good grades but I'd rather sleep and have fun over that.
April 24th, 2026I'm starting to see things again more often. Everytime I close my eyes for over 5 seconds I start to hear voices. They tell me random things, nothing special. It kind of comforts me, but then I remember that it's not "normal".
I want to learn to become content with death. Technically, way before you're born, you've already experienced it in a way. It just wasn't for forever. I want to be at peace with it more than anything, so I can let go of so many worries, but it's hard.
Buddhism genuinely seems like the only correct path, at least for me. Christianity always scared me, but Buddhism feels comforting.
April 30th, 2026The voices at night are getting louder. I don't know why they won't stop.
Anyways, I have state and end of course exams this week and next week. It should be fairly easy. I kind of enjoy testing actually because everyone is quiet and I don't have to hear so many negative things all at once. There are always so many negative people around at school, it's upsetting.
I want to apologize to him, but would I be dragging it? I feel it is the right thing to do, logically and morally, but others disagree. But I suppose everybody has different logic and morals, and that's just how things are.
I've started medidating and it's pretty nice. I'm not the best at it but I just started doing it a few days ago. It helps me feel a bit calmer, which is a huge thing for me since I'm always in some sort of negative mood.
I hate when people ask me out or like me romanticly when I don't like them back in that way. I don't understand what some people find special about it. It scares me that if I reject them, then they'll start getting obsessive and stalking me or something, like they want revenge. I don't want people to like me that much, that they would actively harm themselves for me in any way. Hopefully that makes sense.
I want to reach the end of the world someday, maybe even the universe. I'd love that because I'd be that peace that way.
The whole thing with Billie Eilishssh or whatever her name is is so stupid. People will eat meat if they want to, everybody is different. I'm vegetarian, I don't eat meat but I will consume dairy, and to me what she is doing is childish. I think we should blame big comapnies for abusing and killing animals, not the people who eat them (unless someone eats AND willingly abuses animals, but that's different). Either way, she needs to shut up and the same goes for everybody else who is paying more attention to their feelings rather than what makes sense in this situation. There are more serious things going on in the world, and this is what we are paying attention to? Bleh
May 12th, 2026Currently in advisory at school, there's a constant ringing which is super annoying. I feel asleep in Spanish class and woke up when the bell rang, didn't finish my work. Well, the work was stupid anyways, always about answering questions instead of the language itself. I don't understand...
I feel like almost nothing makes sense anymore, or probably ever did in the first place. I've been wondering about space and time, specifically if I'm in some sort of not repeatative loop, but almost like the universe was created last second ago. All my memories were just put in place, even recent things. Also wondering if I could travel through time somehow, but there's nothing I could do that would let the future or past me know about this present me. Though, present me changes every second due to time. 5 seconds ago was the past. One day I'll figure this all out, but It's ok if I don't. I just want to know since then I could be at peace, but if you can't find peace in such intense ways, maybe find it in yourself.
"I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home."
May 18th, 2026I've been trying to change my mindset to one that is more positive for myself and others. It'll take awhile but I have hope, you know? I'm going to try and that's what matters. Well, yeah. It is kind of hard due to my delusions and hallucinations, but as long as I calm down and become less paranoid, I know I'll be fine. I don't mind my hallucinations too much, just really annoying. But compared to my other issues, I don't mind them too much.
Been trying to meditate more, It's clearing up my mind a lot and I'm starting to understand myself a bit more! I've felt better recently. More happy I guess, or at least in a more stable mind.
Hey, I'm on the first page when you go through the writing tag on neocities! As well as the 3rd page on Art and 5th on special sauce. I'm really happy. I'm unsure of how to express my happiness when it comes to things like this (or in general), but I really am happy, believe me.
Aside from that, my mental state has been doing a lot better. I'm still seeing and hearing things but my delusions have gotten
better and having more control over myself! I'm also happy about that.
You can technically do whatever you want, so I don't and won't ever understand why people say I'm obligated to do such small things that don't really matter. But you cannot expect to have no consequences. That's kind of just how things are, or at least how they are by set people. I really want to understand these things but I just can't.
My sister constantly says the n word, it's pretty terrible. I'm hispanic but my dad's side of the family leans more towards black heritage, if that makes sense. I don't think anybody at all should say it in all honesty. It makes sense for black people to say it, but that doesn't really make it right. It's a topic that should be talked about more, learnt about more and needs more respect, but in a world with different opinions and beliefs, nothing of the such will change. Even war wouldn't change EVERYBODYS opinion, maybe just the general public. Obviously the n word is just a word, but it is a word with so much history and beyond horror included in it. But like I said, in a word of different opinions and beliefs, not everybody will change nor want to change their minds, and it's a sad truth.
I hate her, I'll just try to avoid her since she's coming over. I just want her gone, she's so negative and annoying.
9:57am - I cried over what she said, I know it's dumb to but I cannot handle such immaturity. The dumbest thing about dumb people is that they don't even try to change nor learn, that's what keeps them dumb.
3:46 - And now she cries over the consequences of her actions. Boohoo.
Went to the mall with my friends yesterday for graduation shopping. I didn't buy a cute dress, though. Instead I brought a shirt of Death the Kidd from Soul Eater. Great use of money, it's a cool shirt.
I don't normally buy fast fashion, but when I actually think about it, whenever I'll buy it, keep it for years and only give it away if it's actually destroyed. Or maybe I'll repurpose it somehow. So I don't really feel that bad about buying from the mall. Plus, it was my favorite mall.
My mom yelled at me because I got out of the mall late by the time she came. Yelling and screaming, but I stayed calm because I remembered that she doesn't actually hate me or anything of the such, she's just upset over something small.
Everybody wants something to change yet do nothing! You ARE part of the problem, quit acting like you aren't.
Self expression has never been worse, or never been better. Stop leaving new trends to even newer ones. All you're doing is wasting money and putting more things into the landfill.
Everybody only wants their definition of better, STOP CLINGING ONTO FALSE OPINIONS, IT ISN'T GOOD FOR THE MIND.
You WILL and CAN find your inner happiness and respect towards yourself and others. Let go of silly ideas that overfill your mind.
May 26th, 2026Next paintings it'll work and beautiful creations not created just yet, you need patience.
My heart feels fuzzy- like warm. I'm happy I think, and I'm grateful for that.
I'm currently at school while writing this... I just want to go home, watch Urusei Yatsura and call it a day bro. At least schools almost over, it ends during the first week of June for me.
Keep falling asleep while doing my finals... I don't get much sleep in general, only on the weekends.
I probably failed my pe one. I mean, more than 95% of the questions were things we didn't even learn about. I'm not over exaggerating either. We go home early today, so at least I can rest and sleep more! That's nice. Don't have much to write about in all honesty, other than my days and the fact my mental health/mental state is getting way better. I have my math finals next, I'm done for. I mean, I have a B+ so I'm still passing, thankfully. I think It's just the district final, not class final. I retook the class final 2 weeks ago and got a B+, raised my grade by 2%. Orginally got an F.
Yesterday was the day I realized that I never wanted to die, or kill myself, I just never wanted to exist.
I'm grateful for the people I've met and became friends with, but if I didn't exist, then they wouldn't have met me. Obviously. But that's better than them meeting me.
I no longer want to kill myself. I just wish I never existed.
My legs have been hurting because I kept hitting them last night in a mental breakdown. Well not hurting, but sore and weak. Like I can't walk.
May 30th, 2026CLOSE TO SCORING WE AINT SHOOTING FROM THE MOON ANYMORE
May 31st, 2026Nevermind shot from the moon we're sad bart now
8:18 PM - I don't understand why I cannot make decisions by myself, or understand anything. I can't tell, I always don't trust people or I really, really love them. I don't get it. I'm so tired of my brain.
There are certain things that people will never understand, and that not understanding is fine. Live in the present before it comes the past, work on the present to have a good future. Not everybody will or can, so treat them fairly and have respect. Otherwise, you are a negative person that most shouldn't and wouldn't get along with.
June 5th, 2026Today, I graduated middle school. Last day that I walked through those halls, most likely. It's bittersweet, you know? My best friend and my parents gave me gifts. I cried at the letter my friend gave me- keep in mind I rarely ever cry over being too happy or too sad, or anything really, so that letter means a lot to me. In the end, it's something that'll happen, time moves forward. And you know what, maybe time isn't always infinite. If so, that makes these experiences even more beautiful. I'm grateful to still be alive, and to hear people screaming for me and clapping as loud as possible when I was called. When two of my friends carried me while walking out the field area. When I got to take photos with my best friends.
June 7th, 2026Taking a lot of Prozac sounds awesome right now. I want to die so badly but I love everything so much yet I hate it. Wish someone would hire a hitman on me, or run me over. I was thinking about killing myself with just like, a kitchen knife, but why should I kill myself? I have a lot to live for, technically, but I hate this dumb world so much. Not even myself, I don't hate myself. I hate the world around me. I'll be at peace someday, though. I know that, or at least hope for that.
June 9th, 2026There is no such thing as forever and no such thing as nothing. If you think otherwise, I'd want to hear the best reason given.
Also I don't get how people can like capitalism, communism and socialism like what? People be glazing anything bro. None of these are good at ALL. Communism is only good on paper to be honest. Obviously there isn't such a thing as a perfect society, but whatever. Everything gets ruined by human greed. I don't stand for the left or for the right. All I want is everybody to be happy, no crime and no people who dictate everything. I hate, hate it. So I'll just try my best to focus on myself and the people around me to avoid it.
I need to gain more weight. I'm like, clinically underweight. Hopefully I can during the summer, even just to a bit below average...
7:52 PM - I want to die. I want to become content with death and just die. I just really want to die.
All I do is think about dying and my struggles and trying to think of the positives. I can't remember if this was a dream or not, but my therapist from school gave me a paper (that part was real) but when my mom called the place on the paper for psychotherapy they didn't want to take me in. I don't know, none of them do. I wish I could just end the cycle of psychosis I've been living with for years but it feels almost impossible. It doesn't make it easier when you have people trying to talk to you about dumb things all the time. I'm tired of it. So, so tired. Everything that once made me happy just seems so far away. Like, the suffering is the base of me while the happy things are just stacked on top, they dont reach the foundation. I don't want people near me, I wish I waa on a remote island. No society as we know it, people who aren't so annoying, and less worries. All I can do currently is meditate and put faith into the teachings. That seems to be one of the only reasons I don't want to die. I'll just have to repeat this process of suffering all over again. And over again, and over. Barely anybody wants to or does understand my point of view. People decide to be rude, call me slurs, call me crazy, call me insane. Don't they understand that what they say is idiotic and won't help at all? I try my best to avoid it. You know, I haven't been hallucinating as much anymore. My delusions are getting worse though. I wonder what you guys, reading this, think of me. I wonder if you all think I'm also crazy, barely human due to mental illness. That doesn't make sense, but maybe to dumb people it does. I'm so done with all this. Everyday I wake up, go on my phone, see dumb people post dumb things on social media and other idiots commenting things. Well, me calling them dumb won't do anything. I wish there was less negativity. No more hate, no more rude people. That would solve so much, yet destroy so much as well. Either way, thank you prozac for bothering to get me through these days without feeling so bad.
6:27 PM - Maybe I should text or call 988 or something lol
There are better things to come.
June 15th, 2026I think my computer broke.... At least I mostly code on my iPad. It's ok though, bleh.
June 17th, 2026Find the hope in grief, and the love in pain. It's hard, but I know at least someone will find this.
Other than that, I don't understand God. If God is all loving, does he forgive those who don't believe in him and/or have done terrible things? If he does and sends them to hell, he is willingly letting them suffer. If it's to learn a lesson, won't some end up hating God for what they've put them through? There are answers to these questions, but those lead to more and more contradictions and more answers and so on. I don't want to spend forever with an "all loving, all knowing, all powerful" God. That sounds like hell. It is almost the equivalent to hell. It might not seem like it at first, but if you dig deeper it's easier to understand. Though, I don't really care in what you believe in. As long as you don't force it on me, I don't care. I just don't understand God, if there even is one. I doubt it.
I don't think anybody cares, but I hope you know that I have faith in you. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I put my faith in you to make humanity just a bit better.
So others will feel happiness, even just a bit, once you step into a room. Or maybe once you die and become one and accepted by either nature, a little vase, or even a statue. One that is preserved in time. I'll have faith that you, even after death, can bring more joy into this world.
That is the hope I carry everyday. The hope that I want to transform into something better. Something that people can live and experience and pass on. If anybody gets anything from me, no matter what, I hope that it is for you to bring one of my hopes and dreams to life. Not just for me, but for yourself and others around you. I put my faith into you.
Today won't be the day that I die, nor will tomorrow. At least they won't be the days I die by my own hands. Next week might hold better days, I can't tell the future. But I'll carry my hope. Just know that I'm trying, and I want you to try to. Whoever may be reading about my more or less life, don't bring yourself down. Remember all the good days, and remember all your birthdays. Once again, find the hope in grief, and the love in pain.
8:57 PM - I've had a crush on this guy for awhile, he knew I liked him. He asked for his crushes contact since he knew I would give it just because I cared and loved him so much. She cheated on her boyfriend at the time with my crush. My crush had the nerve to ask for her contact. Makes me sick to my stomach. Terrible people. Hopefully they improve later in their lives. What makes someone break 2 hearts? How sick do you have to be? I'm so tired.
I'm just a broken record repeating over and over again. Anyways, I talked to him and he's choosing to still be with her. At least I warned him, but man is he stubborn. This disgusts me. Cheaters disgust me.
June 21st, 2026How do people even begin to have a crush on me. This is like the 5th or 6th time bro
1:13 PM - I can't imagine a world without my friends. Nor can I imagine a world without art. Art is my best friend, and yours too most likely. I know one day, the world will swallow all evil. Not people, but their evil doings and intentions. Thank you for not letting me kill myself yet. I don't know, I sound like a toddler after losing their halloween candy. But guess what? I'd still be sad if I did lose my halloween candy.
To Kat, your letter you gave me on graduation made me cry. I almost start crying everytime I read it. I don't even know why. It and you mean so much to me.
To Matthew, thanks for bothering to call me all the time.
To Isa, I don't and will probably never understand your love towards your friends, but it's something that means a lot to me.
To Andi, you're the gayest person I know ha
To Topher, you'll be like Cinderella in the future
To Fiona, you'll be a princess like Topher living in Germany.
That's how I feel about a lot of you guys, but not all. I'm not going to write to every single one of my friends. Only if I continue writing my 15 year long writing I will. Tomorrow will be better for me.
My mom and I (I barely did anything) cleaned my room since there was ants. Killed a bunch so far. There wasn't a lot, but there was still ants. They're annoying. Got more mold out my room! Yay! I hate mold too. My room looks nice but is actually disgusting. Like very disgusting. That's why I don't want people coming over. Not because I don't want them to think I'm disgusting, but because if they breathe in any of the mold here then that would hurt them.
June 25th, 2026After many terrible days of not having a computer at all and resorting to using my iPad all the time, my Lenovo 2022 beloved baby is now dead. Overheated horribly and won't work even when we tried to get it fixed. Rip Lenovo 2022 Ideapad, I'll miss you. sighhh time to use my sisters pc from now on.
June 26th, 2026New computer! Not a laptop, full on gaming pc that sadly has no headphone jack. It's pretty nice to be honest. If things look a bit weird now, that's probably why.
June 28th, 2026I listen to the same songs, dress in the same clothes, say the same things, think about the same things, talk about the same things, feel happy or worried about the same things... Even what I'm typing, I've said before. Even if I hadn't, someone else probably did. Isn't that weird? You never really know.
June 30th, 2026No matter how much I sleep, I'm still so tired. Maybe because I've been waking up at 5am for school since kindergarten and 4am in the 8th grade. I always slept in class. I really want pancakes right now.
July 2nd, 2026I can't breathe the mold is so bad. I'll get a new desk, this one is filled with mold. My head hurts.
1:45 PM - Cleaned out the mold stuff. Well, my mom did. I got too weak because of the smell. I feel super sick.
Also some randoms wrote some funny stuff in my chatbox. Deleted it because doing that stuff is childish, ngl it was funny though, so good job to whoever did that for making me laugh.
I still do the things we would've done. I still try to act how he used to. That's how I truly found myself, I think. But I'll never meet him again. I'll never meet him again even if he's still around. You can never meet the same person even in the same person.
July 4th, 2026I don't like fourth of July, it's kind of disgusting to me if I really think about it, but that's just me.
I made up with my elementary school bully yesterday, hopefully that gets rid of the dreams I've been having.
PS. Tell Matthew Kanye's Yeezys are ugly ngl.
Woke up at 12 today, I never wake up THIS late. I'm scared for highschool.
July 8th, 2026If I'm sad and upset all the time, then I'll always try to make the people around me feel at least a bit better. It's the least I can do.
July 9th, 2026If I had to choose between everybody being always happy while I'm always upset, or everybody being always upset while I'm always happy, I'd pick for everybody to be happy. I mean, if people were always upset, wouldn't you slowly be consumed by the negativity?
1:16 - They've been living in my house for years, my parents don't believe me. There's this guy who's been living under my bed for awhile, he's pale and skinny. Well, that's what I think. I'm still waiting for my audience to leave my room so I can finally relax and be alone. They always want me to talk, and I always have to explain everything. I remember a couple years ago my dad said it's because I'm lonely. But I have friends, I'm not lonely. If anything, I like being alone. It's been years. I think it's been 4 years. The doctor said that there's no magic medication that'll make it go away. But I want it to go away. I know it's not real, but I still believe it. They don't understand how annoying it is, how paranoid I get, how much I hate it. It ruins everything for me. I just want somebody to help me and make it go away.
I wanna continue learning Italian and Japanese... I also want to start learning Swedish. It's difficult for me to learn new languages, kind of, but I still like it. 12:07 night - Took 200mg of prozac since I thought I had to for some reason. I'm so stupid bro if I die y'all know why I'm so scared
July 12th, 2026Hello I'm alive my head just hurts
July 13th, 2026Forgot to write but yesterday I got my new desk. It's pretty cool, I like it but it was pretty expensive.
July 14th, 2026Ever since the 11th, and now knowing what the fear of dying feels like, I don't want to die. Or at least not before I do everything I want to do. It's a weird feeling.
I've got a friend who has very bad trust issues and I want to help him. He trusted me but eventually I broke it with a joke I had made. It wasn't meant to be hurtful, but it was. Basically, me and my other friend were like "you know what you did to Caroline" or something and it wasn't meant to be harmful, but I guess it was, even if he did forgive me in the end. I still feel bad though. I know I had no harmful intent, but I still broke something that probably meant something to the guy. I just don't want him to eventually lose trust in everyone, even himself, and completely isolate himself or something similar. I'd hate for that to happen, but there's little I can do for him. Either way, even if he doesn't trust me, I trust him. I just want for him to know that.
I think I'm bigender, but I'm not sure. Because like, I feel and wanna be seen as a girl but also a boy, I don't know how to explain. I don't want other people thinking I'm somehow weird for this, but it's just how I feel.
I remember back when I was in 5th and 6th grade, I wanted to be a boy more than anything. Was like that in very early 7th grade as well. Went back to indentifying as a girl in the middle of 7th and mostly all of 8th, but I still felt like a boy. Like, I still wanted to be a boy. I don't know, I really don't. I'm confused and have been confused about this for years. I'll figure it out eventually I think.
School starts soon, I'm scared. I keep dreaming about school. They aren't bad dreams, but it makes me feel even more nervous.
7:01 PM - Gosh, I need to work more on some of the pages on this website. I'm only happy with some of them, not all. That's alright though, eventually they'll all look how I want them to, and when that happens, I'll be really happy! I've been feeling decent today, I haven't thought very negatively so I think that's awesome for myself. Random, off-topic, but I laugh a lot. My mom says I used to laugh in my sleep. I laugh at a lot of things. I think my numbness or whatever it is is going away. I think I'm starting to feel emotions again, at least I feel more lively, you get?
People online are so annoying I just wish almost everybody would shut up.
6:25 PM - There's this girl I think I like, but I'm too scared to ask her out or anything or even if I really REALLY like her that way. Also I don't know if my mom would be ok with me dating or even being romantic with a girl. Also, 2 days before school... Hopefully I can meet up with 2 of my friends before a lot of people come.
I lost a lot of old poems from that old laptop, that kind of makes me sad.
July 21st, 2026Today is highschool orientation, I'm probably not going. I want to rest and my hair looks bad today.
4:01 PM - I'm worried for tomorrow, school starts at 8:30. Also, I'm not sure if I'll get to code this site as often as I did in middle school since I'm not sure if they are going to block Neocities or anything. I don't know when I'll be getting my school computer either.
Highschool started today. I had a good day. I just don't like my PE class. I have no friends and it's super hot. Got my school laptop today as well, and neocities isn't blocked.
July 23rd, 2026Ok, I like my PE class a bit more now since I have 2 friends there actually. One of them I became friends with today and the other has been my friend since 7th. She was absent yesterday though, so that's why I thought I had no friends in that class.
Since this website is an archive, I'll write something here that I want myself to remember since I'm not sure I'll be able to see the paper I wrote it on again.
- In my biology class, my teacher wanted us to write down how we saw ourselves in 5 years, and then 10 years. I can't predict the future, so I'm not sure if I'd be dead or alive, rich or poor, in college or not, whatever. But I wrote down that I wish I can be more kind and helpful to the people around me. To make them happy. I care and don't care about the future at the same time, and I don't truly want to die anymore, but I'll try my best to make the other people around me happy.
It's pretty hard to use these school computers in all honesty. Even typing by itself is hard. So it's no suprise coding on here and writing diary entries will be even worse. I'm currently in 3rd period english, just finished my work. Next is math, then lunch. I can't wait for PE because I want to talk more with my new friend!
July 25th, 2026I don't want people thinking I'm a good person. Obviously, there is some good in me, like everybody, but still. I've done terrible things. I did a lot of bad things to my ex boyfriend. I don't want to say what, but I feel terrible for it. Even if I've apologized twice to him already, and he has accepted both of my apologies, and the fact we are still friends. I just feel bad for it. Best I can do is never do those things again. I don't want anybody thinking I'm a good person because I want to do things for the world to be better, or I'm kind or whatever, I don't want people to feel completely sorry for me because of my mental illness, and I don't want anybody to think I'm the worst person alive.
July 26th, 2026I hope that it'll be easier to apologize to people in the future. I already do apologize when needed, but I don't want to feel like how I always do about it. I feel nervous.
6:00 PM - Some kids in my Ethnic Studies class said my site looks among us imposter sus and that I was looking at porn. I don't know where they got that from, my site doesn't REALLY look like that at all, at least to me. Maybe it's the anime stuff? But how? Whatever, they're some "wannabe gangster" kids who are really disrespectful to the teacher. I just wanted to write this down since I haven't told anybody and it did make me feel a bit upset.
Man, those kids I was talking about yesterday literally said the teacher had a small penis midway through class. It wasn't funny, honestly. When it's somebody your close friends with and your joking around, it's funny, but this just felt really disrespectful. I'll try my best to avoid them.
I've finished 95% of my classwork, aside from my notebook cover art for my biology class. I'll finish it soon. I didn't know we were changing in PE today so I had to borrow my friends shorts. Well, I fell asleep while the teacher was talking so that's probably why I didn't know. It gets really hot over here, so it kind of sucks having PE 5th period. I also keep forgetting to bring my glasses to school. I have a hard time reading things from far away if the letters are tiny. I don't like how glasses look on me, probably because I'm not used to seeing myself wearing them.
UGHH!!! We had block schedule at school today, 1-break-advisory-3-lunch-5, and I was in a classroom full of 2nd years! It was really awkward and I think some kids were making fun of me for being a freshman, as if they weren't freshmen a couple months ago. Also, I got marked absent because I told him my actual first name at first and he called Caroline and I just got confused, I don't know... I got it changed to my Ethnic Studies teacher after school, thank goodness. My legs hurt from PE.
July 30th, 2026Got my advisory changed and I was marked present for the previous advisory. I've got math class after this, I really wanna go to lunch. I LOVE lunch, ok? It's awesome.
August 1st, 2026I love fall!! I'm not sure if August is more summer or more fall, but it's still approaching fall. My favorite day is October 14th because that's when I first listened to my favorite song, 3 years ago.
My Ethnic Studies class is being changed (I mean, the whole class period is moving) to the teacher I had for advisory the first time. I liked my Ethnic Studies teacher but at least I'll still have him for my current advisory.
2:30 PM - Ok, a bit of backstory about myself on the internet in the 5th-6th grade, I met this girl online (at the time I identified as male completely) and we both liked Endzone and Law of Talos. She had a crush on me at some point and I remember she texted me like a year or two later telling me she was trying to find my IP address as well as the fact she made some sort of ai chatbot of me. Man, I really still don't know how to feel about that.
I want everybody dead including myself, I hate everything and everyone. At the same time, I have hope for humanity and society and want the best for everyone. Everybody should die. God is already dead so why do so many people believe in it? If God is all knowing, wouldn't he know how to stop suffering? If God is all loving, wouldn't he stop suffering? If God is all powerful, he would be able to stop suffering. God is dead, or simply never existed, and it's as simple as that. It wouldn't make sense for him to be out in the universe.
August 3rd, 2026Today was good at school, just felt super long. I'm worried for one of my best friends, she said she was safe right now, but I'm scared for her safety. I'm not even sure what's happening completely. I just want her to be safe. I don't want her to suffer or anything that or more painful.
August 4th, 2026"In the living room the voice-clock sang, Tick-tock, seven o'clock, time to get up, time to get up, seven o 'clock! as if it were afraid that nobody would. The morning house lay empty. The clock ticked on, repeating and repeating its sounds into the emptiness. Seven-nine, breakfast time, seven-nine! In the kitchen the breakfast stove gave a hissing sigh and ejected from its warm interior eight pieces of perfectly browned toast, eight eggs sunny side up, sixteen slices of bacon, two coffees, and two
cool glasses of milk. 'Today is August 4, 2026,' said a second voice from the kitchen ceiling, 'in the city of Allendale, California.' It repeated the date three times for memory's sake. 'Today is Mr. Featherstone's birthday. Today is the anniversary of Tilita's marriage. Insurance is payable, as are the water, gas, and light bills.' Somewhere in the walls, relays clicked, memory tapes glided under electric eyes. Eight-one, tick-tock, eight-one o'clock, off to school, off to work, run, run, eight-one! But no
doors slammed, no carpets took the soft tread of rubber heels. It was raining outside. The weather box on the front door sang quietly... and the rain tapped on the empty house, echoing...
Ten o'clock. The sun came out from behind the rain. The house stood alone in a city of rubble and ashes. This was the one house left standing. At night the ruined city gave off a radioactive glow which could be seen for miles. Ten-fifteen. The garden sprinklers whirled up in golden founts, filling the soft morning air with scatterings of brightness. The water pelted window panes, running down the charred west side. where the house had been burned, evenly free of its white paint. The entire west face of the house
was black, save for five places. Here the silhouette in paint of a man mowing a lawn. Here, as in a photograph, a woman bent to pick flowers. Still farther over, their images burned on wood in one titanic instant, a small boy, hands flung into the air; higher up, the image of a thrown ball, and opposite him a girl, hands raised to catch a ball which never came down. The five spots of paint - the man, the woman, the children, the ball - remained. The rest was a thin charcoaled layer. The gentle sprinkler rain filled the garden with falling light. Until this day, how well the house had kept its peace. How carefully it had inquired, 'Who goes
there? What's the password?' and, getting no answer from lonely foxes and whining cats, it had shut up its windows and drawn shades in an old-maidenly preoccupation with self-protection which bordered on a mechanical paranoia. It quivered at each sound, the house did. If a sparrow brushed a window, the shade snapped up. The bird, startled, flew off! No, not even a bird must touch the house! Twelve noon. A dog whined, shivering, on the front porch. The front door recognized the dog voice and opened. The dog, once huge and fleshy, but now gone to bone and covered with sores, moved in and through the house, tracking mud... for not a leaf fragment blew under the door but what the wall panels flipped open and the copper scrap rats it was dropped into the
sighing vent of an incinerator which sat like evil Baal in a dark corner. The dog ran upstairs, hysterically yelping to each door, at last realizing, as the house realized, that only silence was here. It sniffed the air and scratched the kitchen door. Behind the door, the stove was making pancakes which filled the house with a rich baked odour and the scent of maple syrup. The dog frothed at the mouth, lying at the door, sniffing, its eyes turned to fire. It ran wildly in circles, biting at its tail, spun in a frenzy, and died. It lay in the parlor for an hour. Two o'clock, sang a voice. Delicately sensing decay at last, the regiments of mice hummed out as softly as blown gray leaves in an electrical wind. Two-fifteen. Nine o'clock. The beds warmed their hidden circuits, for nights were cool here... Nine-five. A voice spoke from the study ceiling: "Mrs. McClellan, which poem would you like
this evening?" The house was silent. The voice said at last, Quiet music rose to back the voice.
"Since you express no preference, I shall select a poem at random.
"Sara Teasdale. As I recall, your favourite...
"There will come soft rains and the smell of the ground,
And swallows circling with their shimmering sound;
And frogs in the pools singing at night,
And wild plum trees in tremulous white;
Robins will wear their feathery fire,
Whistling their whims on a low fence-wire;
And not one will know of the war, not one
Will care at last when it is done.
Not one would mind, neither bird nor tree,
If mankind perished utterly;
And Spring herself, when she woke at dawn
Would scarcely know that we were gone."
The fire burned on the stone hearth and the cigar fell away into a mound of quiet ash on its tray. The empty chairs faced each other between the silent walls, and the music played. At ten o'clock the house began to die. The wind blew. A falling tree bough crashed through the kitchen window. Cleaning solvent, bottled, shattered over the stove. The room was ablaze in an instant! "Fire!" screamed a voice. The house lights flashed, water pumps shot water from the ceilings... the house tried to save itself. Doors sprang tightly shut, but the windows were broken by the heat and the wind blew and sucked upon the fire... while scurrying water rats squeaked from the walls, pistolled their water, and ran for more. And the wall sprays let down showers of mechanical rain. But too late. Somewhere, sighing, a pump shrugged to a stop. The quenching rain ceased. The reserve water supply which had filled baths and washed dishes for many quiet days was gone. The fire crackled up the stairs. It fed upon Picassos and Matisses in the upper halls, like delicacies, baking off the oily flesh, tenderly crisping the canvases into black shavings. Now the fire lay in beds, stood in windows, changed the colors of drapes! And then, reinforcements. From attic trapdoors, blind robot faces peered down with faucet mouths gushing green chemical. The fire backed off, as even an elephant must at the sight of a dead snake. Now there were twenty snakes whipping over the floor, killing the fire with a clear cold venom of green froth. But the fire was clever. It had sent flame outside the house, up through the attic to the pumps there. An explosion! The attic brain which directed the pumps was shattered into bronze shrapnel on the beams. The fire rushed back into every closet and felt of the clothes hung there. The house shuddered, oak bone on bone, its bared skeleton cringing from the heat, its wire, its nerves revealed as if a surgeon had torn the skin off to let the red veins and capillaries quiver in the scalded air. Help, help! Fire! Run, run! Heat snapped mirrors like the first brittle winter ice. And the voices wailed. Fire, fire, run, run, like a tragic nursery rhyme, a dozen voices, high, low, like children dying in a forest, alone, alone. And the voices fading as the wires popped their sheathings like hot chestnuts. One, two, three, four, five voices died. In the nursery the jungle burned. Blue lions roared, purple giraffes bounded off. The panthers ran in circles, changing color, and ten million animals, running before the fire, vanished off toward a distant steaming river.... Ten more voices died. In the last instant under the fire avalanche, other choruses, oblivious, could be heard announcing the time, cutting the lawn by remote-control mower, or setting an umbrella frantically out and in, the slamming and opening front door, a thousand things happening, like a clock shop when each clock strikes the hour insanely before or after the other, a scene of maniac confusion, yet unity; singing, screaming, a few last cleaning mice darting bravely out to carry the horrid ashes away! And one voice, with sublime disregard for the situation, read poetry aloud in the fiery study, until all the film spools burned, until all the wires withered and the circuits cracked. The fire burst the house and let it slam flat down, puffing out skirts of spark and smoke. In the kitchen, an instant before the rain of fire and timber, the stove could be seen making breakfasts at a psychopathic rate, ten dozen eggs, six loaves of toast, twenty dozen bacon strips, which, eaten by fire, started the stove working again, hysterically hissing! The crash. The attic smashing into kitchen and parlour. The parlour into cellar, cellar into sub-cellar. Deep freeze, armchair, film tapes, circuits, beds, and all like skeletons thrown in a cluttered mound deep under. Smoke and silence. A great quantity of smoke. Dawn showed faintly in the east. Among the ruins, one wall stood alone. Within the wall, a last voice said, over and over again and again, even as the sun rose to shine upon the heaped rubble and steam: "Today is August 5, 2026, today is August 5, 2026, today is..."
made by Ray Bradbury in the 1950's, "There Will Come Soft Rains."
I don't know if there has ever been something or someone that I truly love. I don't really know what it means to love, only to hate. I don't know why. My hobbies just feel stacked on top of life. I've written something that kind of helps explain what I mean; in a writing titled "A Tribute to Mikey", "The sadness is the base of me, everything else is stacked on top and cannot reach the foundation". I started writing "A Tribute to Mikey" in June of 2025. It was originally going to be my last letter before I committed suicide far in the future if my life went as planned. I've given up on that wish, mostly, I think. I don't think I've been fully passionate about something since the 2nd grade. After that, that's when my mental health issues started.
August 6th, 2026I was taking off my screen protector on my phone and I cut myself. There was blood all over my hand, I've never bled so much so I was a bit freaked out, there was blood on my spot at the table I was sitting at, and there's still blood on my pants... at least they're dark blue and not a lighter color. My friend had to help me out with my cut. It looked tiny, but it was really deep. Not a good start to the day, but the days going well otherwise. You know, I was eating yogurt earlier, I LOVE yogurt! It's awesome. I don't get much protein since I don't eat meat, so yogurt helps a lot.
5:07 PM - Since I've already spoken about "A Tribute to Mikey" I'm going to share a bit of it here,
"I've packed up my weight, more than I can carry
All on my back, until I return to Mary.
Though depression can sometimes get better with time, you've only pretended to save lives. Your filthy, sickening stench reeks of rotting corpses. I hope you'll end up as one, lifeless warpings. Maybe he had hope, for 25 things in particular, but he was still one of many suicides. She'd never recover, laughing in terror, dead to the brim of suffering. You lick your own aches and create hickeys, sealing your greed with false hopes. Draw the line at the East coast, North Carolina sees me as death itself. A simple melody on an acoustic guitar, strummed too hard and made another scar. Sometimes is infinite, lasting forever, but your brain cannot understand forever, you've never experienced it. Have they started the origin of your depression? What does the real you want? Maybe the shortest and longest school years are over, but I'll make this one last, for my favorite one has left and past. You took everyone away, captured in your cell, so how come you never offered them death? This was for her, a long time ago, making a laugh of my willing suicides; failed as life worsens. I'll let her rot in my deteriorating mind, because nobody listened when I needed help. Now I'm at the halfway point, July 2nd of 2025. Left again, once in my mind, waiting to die. Though somebody like me can find comfort in sadness, others are forced to bare true hardship. Nobody can see their beautiful self as man anymore, we are cramped in cages like pigs in a slaughter house, seeing the beauty any God has made. Love is stupid to some, and shown as a raw, pure emotion no one else can break. Maybe your love has died, and it cannot stop haunting and taking a toll at your mind and heartstrings, forcefully ripping you apart. I'm feeling like a zombie, your lack of motivation killing you. Others will ignore the pain, thinking you're over exaggerating your own, your willingness of death shows it's more. I will wait until I see what time won't heal, I will hide from it, I will remember what he said. So ravish the last of me left like the rest that you already did, ready and waiting for the last to return."
Went to the doctors today for my 3 month check-up. I told her how I was feeling, and my mom told me I would get sent to a mental institution. I don't get it, I don't want to hurt anybody or myself, I just want help, so why would I be sent away? I don't think I'm a danger to the people around me, if anything I try my best to not be. I don't even know if that prozac is even working. Maybe it is, but I still feel down a lot of the time. Am I stupid for telling the truth? I really don't get it. I was being honest, I don't want to hurt myself or anybody, but I get angry easily and all this makes me feel even worse. I keep feeling hopeless, happy, hopeful, or irritated and angry. I just want somebody or something to finally actually let me live a normal life like the people around me. How come they're so happy and I'm not? Do I not deserve it? If I don't, then how come? I just don't want to be away from my friends and parents and pets, I don't think I'm crazy or whatever.
August 9th, 2026My mom signed me up for a psychologist. Hopefully this time they won't say I'm too young, or something like that. I'm happy about that.
August 10th, 2026I hate being sick. My throat is sore, my head feels weird, and my nose is the equivalent to hell. I should've gotten more sleep than just 7 hours last night since I knew I was getting sick.
August 11th, 2026My whole abdomen is sore, it kind of hurts to move it. I'm not sure if I slept weird or something, but that's what it seems like. Hopefully I'll get better with whatever I'm sick with. It's not as bad as yesterday, but man, I hate being sick so much.
Another thing on my mind is God. I don't think God exists, it just really doesn't make sense. I feel like people only believe in God because they want to be forgiven by something, to believe that their loved ones will have somewhere to go when they die. No, you die and that's it. No hell or heaven. There's nothing waiting for us but ourselves. So why not put that faith in yourself instead of "God"? Maybe I'm being disrespectful, but I just hate, hate the concept of a God. Why do we suffer then? If this God is so powerful, why can't they get rid of this suffering so their "children" won't feel so much pain? And I hate when people bring up the bible, It's a book, don't know what to tell you. It's a book that just doesn't prove anything. Also, heaven sounds like hell. Really, an eternity with God? I'd rather go through cycle after cycle than whatever the hell that reality is. I hate "God".
I keep coughing!!! I thought I'd feel better today but I don't. I hate having a sore throat so much. I have to run my first mile of high school today... yippeeee. I hate running, especially because of my asthma. I'll just have to try and hope I get a good score I guess. All my friends are getting boyfriends and girlfriends so suddenly! I mean, I don't wanna date someone, but I like the idea of loving someone? I'm not sure if that makes any sense. How can Asmongold get a partner but I can't??? I really just want to have yogurt and call it a day to be honest. I like advisory a lot, I just listen to music and play games, sometimes I'll write blog posts and work on my site like right now. My site looks so weird on school Chromebooks to be honest.
August 13th, 2026My website is so close to getting 100k views, I'm really happy about that. I've always wanted a cool, decently popular site ever since I discovered the indie web, and now look, I've sort of reached that point!
I was trying to make a keychain last night and I burnt myself twice. Since I held a lighter over a safety pin to make a whole in the little charm, I burnt myself twice and it still stings a lot.
One of my friends likes me, he's in the grade below me. What's the point of loving someone if it'll eventually end. What's the point of anything if it'll eventually end. I'm not interesting, the only reason why I seem interesting is because I'm not well mentally and it makes me act more, I don't know, out there? More extroverted? I'm not sure. I hate it though because it isn't the real me. The real me is someone who isn't sad or happy or anything, she just doesn't care. I don't understand myself at all. What's the point of liking me? Multiple people have liked me before, I don't see the point. I had a boyfriend for awhile, I'm pretty sure I mentioned him in this diary, and even though I loved him it eventually faded away. Nothing has purpose. I just do things to waste time, I have nothing I actually love.
August 16th, 2026I want my sister out of my life. She's so rude to me, even as a joke, but when I try to joke around she thinks I'm being rude. She keeps calling me ugly and stupid or whatever, I really hope she can get a job soon so I won't have to see her. She's in college, she doesn't even do anything to be honest. She can't drive (at least not anymore), she doesn't have a job, and all she does is watch movies and go to concerts. She has this shirt of a music artist she likes that she wears constantly, like actually almost everyday. I think it's called SuicideBoys or something like that, the shirt is this think called grey day. I don't listen to SuicideBoys, I've got nothing to say about them other than my sister being a big fan of them. I don't care, she can do what she wants, but why does she make fun of my music? Or at least makes me feel weird for it. Also, she asked one of my friends for her phone number or instagram so they can *talk*... I find that really weird. I mean, you can have one of your sisters friends instagram or phone number (instagram for fun, phone number for emergencies), but like, what do you mean to talk? She's 14, I'm 14, I think it's really weird. I don't know, maybe that's just me thinking it's weird when it's not.
6:53 PM - Hopefully I can stop acting like an annoying loser who talks a lot, I hate how much I talk. I didn't used to be like this, at least I don't think so. Or maybe I'm just growing up. Whatever, I'm annoying.
#dying #im not bipolar #caroline isnt diagnosed with bpd shut up
We reached 100k views thanks guys gracias kisses kisses
Not doing well, I feel depressed and hopeless like genuinely what's the point of anything. If everything ends then what's the point other than to waste time.
Everyday is the exact same, it sucks but at the same time I don't want anything to change. I've been meaning to write a new poem but I can't create a decent execution for any concept I have in mind.
6:55 PM - My friend has a girlfriend now and now they're like all over each other. He won't even hang out with me and my friends anymore. We still talk, but it's annoying. Especially since she isn't the *brightest* person. It's upsetting because like, you know, bro's before hoes or whatever. I get loving somebody, but like, we're your friends! I'm too scared to talk to any of my friends about it though because I don't want them to think I'm jealous or something. It's just upsetting to see.
Said friend from yesterday blocked me on Insta and Discord. I feel a bit childish for even trying, but I don't want my friend to be taken advantage of or anything of the such. He's already isolating from a lot of people over this girl, and I got blocked for speaking out about it. My whole friend group is on my side since, well, he's loveblind and it's obvious. I just hope that if the relationship continues, his girlfriend will become a better person or something.
August 21st, 2026Me and my friend talked things out and we're buddies again. So did his girlfriend and my other friend. Hopefully, he doesn't get taken advantage at all since I'm still on guard. Anyways, good day.
August 22nd, 2026For this whole year, I keep falling asleep constantly. It lasts from 1 minute to 4 hours, and it's becoming a problem. I fall asleep everywhere, I don't know why, and I'm starting to hear voices again. Like, voices right before I fall asleep... It takes me a bit to fall asleep because of it. It's only if it's very quiet though, but if I play music at night it's harder to sleep. I don't know if I'm just very tired or not. I've been trying to sleep more at night, and I get around 5-8 hours of sleep a day. I fall asleep on car rides, at school in almost all my classes, at home I take naps often. I hate taking naps at home too, but I can't control it.
August 23rd, 2026Went to my friends house today, it was pretty fun and I loved the food so much.
Aside from that, another rambling. If I could, I would kill psychosis. That sounds stupid, but nothing makes me more mad than the thing that ruined my life. Even if I have all these other issues, this stupid thing ruined everything for me.
I haven't had much motivation for a lot of my hobbies. I can barely write at all, I have no drawing ideas, I want to play bass but I'm too focused on other things. I feel asleep 3 times today, once on the car drive to school, the other time in biology and the other in English. That doesn't include my sleeping at night too. All I've been doing is working on my website and watching shows and doing my homework. I'm just tired I guess. I feel depressed, but I'm taking 40mg of prozac every school day, so I don't get it. I don't want to do anything to be honest, I just want to sleep all day. I'd rather sleep forever than die.
August 27th, 2026I HATE when my earbuds die midway through the school day, it's so annoying and I really just want to listen to music. It feels boring otherwise, and I don't mean during like, math class. I mean in classes like my advisory or drama where I can kind of do whatever once I'm done with my work. I'm just annoyed at that, and I don't think I can charge them anywhere other than the library or drama class.
Aside from that, I was hearing voices last night, but not the night before. Instead of stuff that I couldn't even understand, it was really mean stuff. Like they were calling me useless and stupid, and some other stuff. I thought that was kind of weird since that hasn't happened before.
Sometimes I just want to stab myself, crawl on the floor, write on walls, hit my head against a wall, and other random things. It's like an itch that I can't scratch because I don't want people thinking I'm weird or something. It's not just that too, but some other stuff is too odd to even mention. I've been wanting to get a job recently. I want to pay for my own things, and do things by myself. But I'm too tired, my mental health is getting worse rapidly, and I have school. Maybe I'll start doing commissions or something. I don't know. I don't want to worry about my future anymore. I just want to make my movie and somehow change the world for the better. Maybe I'll make a ton of money and I can fund cancer research or something that actually matters. I want to be able to help people. You know, I remember back in 4th grade, I told my friend at the time about how I had been feeling. She asked me why I still wanted to live, and I told her it's to make people smile. To make them happy, or something. I guess it's still kind of like that today. I'll do something to make everybody happy, and to make them fear less. I'm not too worried about how much money I would lose, as long as it makes a difference then I really don't care.
August 30th, 2026
I need to write a paper on my ceiling to remind myself to keep living. I've been thinking of doing that for awhile. I can barely keep up, I don't want to be alone, but I have to accept that I will always be alone in the end. And as the days pass, I think I have become more and more comforted by the idea of being alone forever. I am slowly getting angrier, sadder, and happier. It's hard to explain. I think I've given up on a lot of things. As much as I've tried to follow the teachings, I just can't in the state I am in now. I don't have the motivation to continue, and I think I only have the motivation to continue on trying to achive my own happiness in my own way. So as much as I want to get happier in pre-established ways, I'll figure out my own path. I will accept the things I couldn't accept before, and I will show everybody some help if I am able to. If I can still meditate, I will try. And somehow, if I try hard enough to fix this brain of mine, I will be able to keep living in my own way. I will become somebody who can feel each and every emotion without too much violence, you get? I know I'll be able to. And I will stop putting my faith into other topics, and put my faith in myself. And hey, maybe someday I will be completely healed, and I could help others that were like me.
August 31st, 2026I feel better today than I do most days. I'm trying to stop myself from acting out of control. I'm more calm, and maybe that's because I've become content with both living and dying. I am comfortable with both. I'm proud of myself for that.
I had an assignment for biology where we connect multiple words together and make a summary. My teacher liked my writing and asked if he could put it on the wall. I though I was going to fail it, but I should stop doubting myself so much. Thanks.
It's officially my favorite season, fall. I love it more than anything to be honest. My favorite day is October 14th.
I passed my math test with an A, 58.75/60 or something like that? I forgot. My friends keep asking me if I like this one guy, I've only spoken to him once, I don't like him romantically. I'm the type of "love at first sight" person. Call it stupid, but it's the truth, at least for me. I'm not sure why they keep asking about it. Also, I don't remember if I wrote about this before, but my ex-friend who had a crush on me is now, well, my ex-friend. He said he liked me because nobody really understood him like I did or something, it felt weird since I try to understand everyone I know as best as I can. You can't fully understand anybody, though. You aren't them, therefore you can't understand them. My friend is dating somebody now, and she said she wanted to kiss him on his birthday, both of their first kisses. I remember when my ex-boyfriend did the same thing- well, not the same thing, but we started dating on my birthday 2 years ago now. We broke up after a couple of months. We're still friends, but I wasn't the best girlfriend. I'm trying to work on myself, and so is he. Anyways, I wanted to tell my friend that I don't think she should because like, what if they break up and he associates his birthday with it or something? I don't know, I'm not him. I didn't say anything, I think I should let them be.
It's getting colder over here as of today. I made a Mamimi bracelet awhile back and fixed it today. I have to adjust it a bit more though, It's a bit too small for my wrists. I've been feeling better mentally, not so much emotionally. It's a bit hard to explain. I'm happier, my delusions are still present, but I haven't been hallucinating or falling asleep a lot, that's good. I'm in advisory as of writing this, like I always am, and I can't wait to get home.
September 3rd, 2026You know what's weird? One time I tried to strangle myself, and I stopped because I asked myself "What about my artwork? What about Oh Maria!, and my friends and family?". Whenever I'm around other people, or engaging in hobbies, I feel like I want to live. I don't know why, and I'm not sure if I only do those things because they make me feel this way or because I genuinely want to do something in the future with them, or for fun or whatever. I don't understand it, and I remember when I asked the guy I liked out and he said no and I told him he was one of the only things that made me want to keep living at the time. I got so irritated that I just started screaming at him. He didn't even try to make me feel better or anything afterwards. Whatever. I hate the fact that he really made me want to keep living because he's just so- I don't know- irritating? I haven't talked to him for awhile. And today his girlfriend told my friend that I had schizophernia in front of a ton of people. I'm not diagnosed, I've never claimed to have schizophernia, I just told her about my hallucinations and delusions whenever she said I could vent to her and I was upset. I don't want people thinking I'm scary or something. Because maybe I'll be isolated and then I just cannot function. And I wouldn't be able to help people, and that is one of the only things that really, genuinely makes me happy inside. They'll think I'm weird before even talking to me once. I don't think my mental state defines who I am, but some people just don't view it the same way I do. Sometimes I just wish the whole human race would die out. But then I'd die, and everybody else, I mean obviously, but I hate the thought of that. I just want society to somehow get better. Maybe sometime in the far, far future, after me and whoever is reading this die, society will be able to feel empathy again. And happiness, and joy, and even the comfort in saddness. I think that would make me happy, even if I wouldn't be conscious, or maybe reborn as something completely different from who I am now. I find more comfort in the idea of not being conscious after death. I think it's something I've come to accept, and it feels great to know that everything will be alright in the end. I won't have worries, or regrets.
Just a heads-up, I am feeling better still. Just because I write about "upsetting things" doesn't mean I'm always miserable.
Whenever I'm not with my friends, I act so weird. And vise-versa. I act weird even when I'm with them, but in different ways. I'm quiet, reserved, odd, impulsive when they're not there, and when they are I'm loud, almost implusive but a different impulsive from when they are there. It's hard to explain. Sometimes I feel like I'm 2 people in the same body. Not like literally 2 people, I don't have multiple personality disorder or anything, but I act so different with different people, situations, anything. It feels weird. Like, I'll talk to somebody so nicely one second, then completely switch up how I speak or something. Maybe it's like a phase but it feels so, so terrible. I mean, even the me who's writing this is that loud impulsive idiot and I can't control it. Adam feels like the real me, that's the name I've given it since another name of mine is Adam. Adam is not Caroline, Caroline is not Adam, but Caroline is actually Adam or something. Hopefully this makes sense. So, those 2 versions of me are both Caroline, quiet, loud, impulsive depending on the situation or people around them, Adam is the real me. I don't know how to reach Adam and it's upsetting me. I can't communicate with Adam at all unless he somehow turns into me. I'm sorry if this is confusing, but I just cannot reach the true me which is Adam. I don't get it, you probably don't either, but I swear it's real. I just need a way for Caroline to talk to Adam somehow and not have them completely seperate.
September 7th, 2026Caroline is Adam's vessel, but there is another Caroline in a different time plane that is controlling vessel Caroline. Vessel Caroline and Adam are connected, but as long as this time plane exists, the Vessel cannot speak to Adam. Adam is the core and true Caroline. This is why Caroline is depressed and has delusions and hallucinations and stuff, because Caroline in the time plane is ruining the vessel for Adam. Caroline needs to talk to Adam somehow and become one again.
Caroline's has decided to man up and use tele-health for psychiatry. Caroline has always been scared of cameras. Adam isn't scared of cameras and Adam is very normal. Caroline and Adam will be happy happy happy.
Half of you only look at my site because it looks "cool" and probably think I'm a schizophrenic weirdo when reading these. People probably think I'm a monster, or that I'm evil. Some people just want to make fun of me. That's just kind of how it is when you share this kind of stuff online. No matter what, your suffering means either nothing, or is absolutely funny. I've never been told this, but I absolutely know it since it happens to everyone. And it saddens me to an extent, but also it's what comes with me hosting this.
I've been trying to reach Adam, as in vessel Caroline is trying to by speaking and acting more like Adam does. Caroline can't let the Caroline in the time plane mess this up either like she did today. It's a lot of work.
I hate talking out loud. I hate how I talk without ever meaning to. I don't know how to stop it, or stop the timeplane. It's weird. Whenever I snap out of it, it's like I'm a completely different person, that's what I call Adam. Adam is quiet, but not shy, he doesn't get nervous about cameras or worrying about random people doing bad things to him. He's normal, he doesn't talk a lot, he gives vague responses. I wish that I could reach Adam again, but for now I'm stuck in a vessel with a seperate timeplane in the way. So if I can get help, I think I wouldn't have to destroy the timeplane and I could be able to function normally.
September 11th, 2026It's my friends birthday today. It's been 25 years since the twin towers fell, rest in peace.
I'm closer to Adam today. I'm happy it's fall. I love fall so much, it's something I look forward to every year. I love it so, so much.
I wonder what it feels to have someone close to you die. I've had people I know die, but I barely actually knew them. I knew they existed, and how they acted, but I wasn't their friend, or sibling, or anything. My mom said that when they die, you feel their pain. When my pets died, I didn't feel their pain. I felt regret because I could've been nicer, and that leads to me treating everyone close to me, animals, friends, family, with more kindness. I feel sad, but at the same time I don't. It's hard to explain, but it's like they won't have anywhere to go when they die other than peace maybe. I hope my doggy is happy in the afterlife, but she probably isn't, because there probably isn't an afterlife. Sometimes, I think about convincing someone to kill me. I want to be at peace with death though, and I can of have.
Caroline is happy that she is getting closer to Adam and she can feel it. The mental issues aren't going away, but Caroline has been acting more and thinking more like Adam, as well as being less impulsive which is good for Caroline so she doesn't get hurt. I'm happy and I've been less sad due to this.
September 13th, 2026I've been trying to eat more today as well as working out more. I can carry 15 pounds with 2 arms... Wowww. I'm weak, but I'm trying really hard. I think I worked out for about 20 minutes (including a warm-up).
7:31 PM - This is my theory on the universe: Infinity is a mathematical concept that cannot be seen nor experienced. If it is like this, then the universe constantly expanding would have a definitive end point somehow, but it would also constantly expand that end point, which might lead to multiple end points at once. The universe cannot be finite, but we can't know if it's infinite without math and the experience to observe it. That's how I think about it. In sort, there's an end point, but that end point will expand into a new one, making the universe infinite, but still having an end point somewhere.
It's kind of hard for me to eat a lot since I have aligners for my teeth, and won't get them removed anytime soon (I will say that my teeth are almost completely straight now), but I'm trying. I'm super full, so I'll wait until the morning to eat again. I'm trying to work out a lot more, at least twice a day for 15 minutes, unless I really need a break. Hopefully I won't give up this time. When I went to the scale this morning, I weighed even less than yesterday, I'll check again soon. I just want to weigh a decent amount for once, it sucks being skinny for your whole life, I can't believe some people want to be so skinny. I mean, you might want it in the moment, but it's terrible. I have a quiz for ethnic studies tomorrow and that's kinda it. I have all A's expect for my biology.
September 15th, 2026Passed my quiz, 15/15.
September 18th, 2026My biology teacher moved my seat so I didn't sit next to my old friend and their girlfriend. I really, really don't feel safe around either of them, like I'm in danger. I'm scared she'll try to hurt me somehow, but I don't want to move classes. It kind of made me less focused on my work and really paranoid. She said that if I were to get beat up, she'd record it and want to see it, and my old friend agreed. I say old friend since me and them aren't friends anymore. But what annoys me is that he said I manipulated him, I'm not sure how. If it was the think that happened in August, I didn't really cross any boundaries. Maybe they felt pressured? Which I apologized for yesterday. They also brought up a lot of things I've already apologized countless times for, but it's like my apologies are never sincere to them and I just have to keep saying sorry all the time. Their girlfriend scares me a lot, like badly. She hates me, talks bad about me a lot, and then switches up whenever I'm actually near her. I genuinely think she is going to try and hurt me. I've already apologized to her too, so I'm not sure why she still hates me so much. Me and my old friend left on good terms, but I don't want his girlfriend near me at all. It might sound stupid or like I'm super paranoid, but she's done some bad things to others and I think that's what she might try and do to me. I'm just really scared.
September 19th, 2026It's the start of fall break, once fall break ends I'm going to report this girl to the school. She's also making another one of my friends uncomfortable too. I genuinely feel like I'm in danger, like actual danger and I can't stress that enough. I feel like she's going to attack me, spread rumors about me, etc. I've blocked her on both Instagram and Tiktok, and might also unfollow my old friend from my main Instagram. This girl wanted pictures of me, said she wanted to see me get beat up and that she'd record it, and has constantly gotten me into drama and then plays the victim as if she has nothing to do with it. I don't care, she will be getting reported because she's making me stress out too much and I can't even focus on my school work when she's around me. I don't want her in my school, I don't want her seeing or talking about me. I'm really paranoid, and my old friend knows about all my mental issues. I'm scared of her. I'm going to try to learn how to fight just in case I might need to defend myself if she attacks me at all, which hopefully won't happen.
September 22nd, 2026I would be lying if I didn't say I feel very odd. I think it's because I'm no longer friends with my ex best friend anymore. I just feel weird. And I can't stop thinking about my future. I've come to the realization I probably won't make it in life, as much as I want to. I'll always be judged for things that shouldn't matter so much. I want help, but that'll probably decrease my opportunities in life because they'll see me as just a label. I don't know what's the point in a lot of things, I don't want to care. But I don't want to die yet, or at all. I feel stuck. I just wish I was normal, and my friends didn't have struggles either, and that I could live without dreading everything. I can't even look at my cats and my dog without feeling terrible for them since they'll eventually die, just like me and you. I hate living like this. I hate myself, and I hate society, but I don't hate the people around me. I care about them, I help them, I love them, even. Sometimes I just want to quit school and get a job, but that'll be even worse for me. It doesn't matter what my grades are, or how much of a "good" person I am, people will just know me as a psychotic person who can't control themself. I want to do things to make society better, but I doubt I can. I doubt I can do anything at all. I feel like I'm useless, and maybe I am.
September 23rd, 2026I haven't been feeling well at all, and I don't feel like explaining more since I always do on here.
September 27th, 2026I keep having dreams with my ex best friend and it's so annoying please leave me alone but I can't tell him that because then he'll be confused. I'm having really bad paranoia and delusions about his girlfriend I genuinely need her gone it's getting to me. Like, he knows where I live so I'm scared his girlfriend will kill me or something. I've been locking everything up whenever I can and closing everything so she can't enter and poison and or murder me. I have to make sure everything I drink isn't poisoned, my food should be alright though from what I can tell.
I feel like such a loser like I don't think I'm going to have a future at all and I just really want to make my movie but I can't animate well for the life of me. I can animate, but I don't like putting in a lot of effort. I don't like when it's too clean.
Anyways I'm really tired and paranoid at the moment. I haven't really been writing or doing anything besides some site coding, playing games, watching youtube and sometimes working out. I'm still working on gaining weight, I'm not going to let my mental state ruin that... I've gained a few pounds- good news!
7 PM : My Opera GX browser won't work.. Good thing I have Firefox, Brave and Edge as well. 4 is better than 1... I miss you Opera GX, that's how I pirated everything. Time to use Firefox's VPN since it's free. Thank you Firefox.
No matter how much I write about how I feel, or what I think, it's never accurate. My mind is like a song on constant loop. A song that everytime it plays, the sound, maybe the thing that makes it play, or the song itself, is rotting. That is a way I'd describe my brain.
I'm either too hopeful, or too hopeless. I'm content with death, so why can't I let go of earthly struggles? I still feel as though I am suffering all the time, everyday. The only times I feel like myself is when Caroline wants to be like Adam, but that doesn't mean Caroline is actually reaching Adam at all. I want to be normal, I want to believe in myself, I want to be like my friends, and the other people at my school. I don't know what this feeling is, it doesn't feel numb, I don't think it's apathy, but it isn't joy or happiness either. How can I be at peace with death but not life? The people around me scare me, but I still go outside because I want to be normal. I get ready everyday, I take care of my hygiene, I do my homework, I try to make good grades. I do those things because I want to feel normal. But I don't think I'll ever be normal. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I wish I never existed. The past only exists to put me down, and the future only exists to make me worry. Have you ever wondered what it feels like to believe things you don't want to believe? Do you know what it feels like to hear people yell in your ear random things you can't understand? Do you know what it sounds like to sit in a classroom full of people, not being able to focus? Do you know what it tastes like to not be able to talk normally? And the more I type the more I realize I'm a complete idiot. I'm an idiot and I can't remember things, and I can't do anything right, and I can't talk or have the motivation to do things that used to seem so normal. I want to be normal. If I had one wish it would be for me to be normal. Or maybe I wouldn't wish for such a selfish thing. Caroline is a selfish idiot who doesn't know what the pain in your right arm would ever feel like. Hey, maybe God is going to save me. God will come done and save me. God is a selfish scum for what they did to me. If God is so good, why do I suffer so much? If the world is so good, why does everybody suffer so much? I hate myself, and the world, and God. And sometimes I can actually realize that the world and I can still be saved and I have hope.
Anyways, hope you enjoyed my dumbass Ted Talk, bye.
Ok, ok. So a lot happened yesterday. My ex friends girlfriend back in 7th grade told me that some guy I'm friends with (I'll call him Christian) SA'd her and at the time I barely met both her and Christian so I didn't know what to do. Anyways, I told Christian about it yesterday, and I'm just more confused but Christian had a bunch of evidence to back himself up so I believe him more than her. So basically, she asked Christian out back in 5th grade and he rejected her and she said she was going to commit suicide because of him and everybody was mad at him for making her feel that way even though he just didn't want to date her. After awhile she proceeded to say "No Christian, it isn't your fault" and they were friends again after her also constantly begging him over and over again and she couldn't take no for an answer. Christian thought they were on good terms and they both went to my middle school with me, and that's when she told me that Christian SA'd her. I saw a bunch of evidence from Christian about what she's done, and I know she lies a lot based on what she said about my other friend who had beef with her for a bit. Also, I'm a bit upset about my ex best friend because he never takes me seriously, then proceeds to say I never take him seriously. I had to apologize so many times to him just so he could forgive me, but he never thought I was being sincere and has constantly put me down for it. Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing, but I'm so confused about how I was never sincere. He also called me manipulative and I just don't get how, and when I asked him why he didn't give me an answer. I was crying because like, I never meant to manipulate anybody and I asked some of my friends if I was ever manipulative to any of them or anybody around me and they said no. He just kept saying I was toxic and never took him seriously. If I never took you seriously I would have never apologized, but I did- several times at that. I feel like such a bad person and like I messed up, and everytime I asked him to think about what he's said to me and when he didn't take me seriously either, he ignores it. I really thought we had such a good friendship too, and I don't know what I did. I never thought he did anything wrong towards me until recently when I thought about everything. I told him about my psychosis and he just said "Oh that sucks" and just left it at that and I felt ignored but didn't say anything because I didn't want him to feel too bad for me or anything. Now I just feel like he also didn't take me seriously as well. I feel so confused and I want to cry because I don't know what I did wrong and I've had to apologize so many times by now and it just doesn't do anything for him.
October 2nd, 2026I love October. It's one of my favorite things, it's my favorite time of year and I always look forward to it. It's something I genuinely love. I love the charm of everything spooky and scary, and the leaves turning brown and orange. It matters a lot to me. My favorite day of the year is October 14th. I'd rather not explain why, but it's my third year celebrating October 14th. And no, nothing bad or scary happened on that day.
Something that bugs me about October is that I always try my best to be as happy as possible in this month, which never works. I'm a bit happier, but that's it. Anyways, at least during October my mood isn't completely down. I love October.
I'm getting psychotheraphy
October 5th, 2026My mom sent my teacher an email and he said he's going to talk to me and my ex friends girlfriend. I'm scared because like, what if I'm just very paranoid? Anyways, my seat was moved because I slept in class to much. I can't really control it, I fall asleep randomly, but I'll try to stop it as much. It's because I wake up at 4AM very school morning, I don't get much sleep since I stay up kind of late reading on my phone and watching anime. I'm just going to talk to my teacher early in the morning to try and explain all my paranoia about this girl, and that it could be a big misunderstanding but I'm still having these thoughts and she still said she wanted to see me get beat up. Maybe it's because I called her a hoe but I just said "bros before hoes", I wasn't trying to actually call her a hoe. I don't know, she's scary. I also just want my seat back because where I sit now is so uncomfortable for me but whatever I'll deal with it. I also have my appointment for therapy tomorrow, yay! I don't really know the difference between therapy and psychotheraphy so maybe I'll research some stuff.
October 6th, 2026I like my therapist he's chill. There was lots of fidget toys and I really love fidgets so that made me happy. I need to buy some fidgets for myself because I don't have many. When I talked to my teacher about the girl he said that after class me and her would talk but that didn't happen. Maybe it'll happen tomorrow? I'm not sure. Also I painted Sayaka Maizono and it turned out really good, I still need to add some stuff and then it'll be perfect!!
Diary of Caroline "Wayne", 2026