July 22nd, 2025
I'm going to get help soon, my mom scheduled a doctors appointment for me. Though things have gotten worse, I haven't really been feeling any emotions or at least not as strongly. I can't feel sad or mad or happy, I just have this negative mood in the background. I am still capable of doing things like laughing and missing people, obviously. But it doesn't feel like a feeling, just what I know.
August 16th, 2025
Doctors appointment went fine. I should be getting a psychologist soon, today I got my blood taken out. At least I'll have somebody to listen to me. It's not like I don't trust anyone, I am fully capable of that. I just want it gone, I want my paranoia to go away.
September 8th, 2025
I'm talking to my schools therapist now.
November 16th, 2025
Nothing has gotten better, though I do always look forward to talking to my therapist again. She says it may be psychosis.
I mostly believe things that I DO know are false, but just because I know doesn't mean I can stop believing those things. I also see, hear, smell, and sometimes feel things that aren't real. They don't last long whenever they do come up, but they are still present. I haven't been able to feel much emotion. I can, but It's very dulled. I've had all of this since 5th grade, but I was very sad in 3rd grade. Not depressed, just sad.
December 7th, 2025I feel like I'm going to die very soon. I always feel this way.
December 17th, 2025Sometimes I wonder what hell is like. I think a life of only suffering is hell. But hell is different for everybody. Nobody will ever understand you or me, that's the whole point of understanding (that you can't and will not understand). I could understand myself though, but no matter how hard I try I just can't. My brain has been torn and I've lost a lot of who I originally was. I was always "weird", but now people see me as double weird whenever they find out what's in my head. But the people controlling it won't let "me" go, so whatever is left is forced to be in this hell. I just want to bash my head in the wall again until I can get them all out my brain and I can be left in space forever.
December 21st, 2025My head hurts so bad, it was hurting just as bad yesterday, so I decided to mess with it a bit. That pain feels better and takes the other pain away, not the best solution but nothing else was working and maybe they were getting into my brain again. You never know.
December 23rd, 2025My mom took away all my knives and baseball bats (expect for one) because of what I did to myself. She says she didn't know how serious my mental health is. I never realized how much mold is in my room, and It's bad. I barely realized because I never bothered to check that area, it scares me so bad. I'll get it cleaned soon since now I know.
December 29th, 2025People are plotting against me, they want my downfall. I talked to one of the only few people I trust about it, and now I do feel a little better, but the feeling won't go away. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.