This feels embarrassing, but I'll write things here anyway just because I want to.
January 1st, 2026Very very happy new year.
Anyways, I often wonder why people are nice to me. I cry whenever somebody seems to really care about me, especially if It's somebody I really like talking to. But whatever. I've been wondering about the end of the world. I mean, I can't wait to see what'll happen but I also really don't want to be here to experience it. Probably way in the future. What if aliens save us? Or what if they are the ones to destroy earth? I doubt it, humans will destroy earth, not aliens. Maybe I'm wrong. Most likely. I mean, we could all just be one single person. But I wouldn't know.
People must know answers. No one can be trusted. You form relationships with people you deem fit. My brain is going to be scanned soon because they need to know if I have a tumor that's making me hallucinate and have delusions. I can't stop believing these things, but I know they are most likely fake. But I can't know, I'm only trapped in my mind. I could not be real at all. Maybe if I'm not real, that would be better. For myself and others. I like a guy, but I'm scared I'll hurt him like I've hurt others. And that would be terrible, he's the only person I've ever truly cared about. Everybody else is the same. They are all the same and you are too, you just don't believe it because apparently you're "real".
January 17th, 2026I'm taking prozac now. My mom wants me to take zoloft instead, I don't understand the difference. I still have to get a psychiatrist though. I feel a bit better, I'll wait to see if I improve with time.
January 18th, 2026I feel I am improving. I've barely started taking the medication but I'm feeling better, that's all that matters. But It's probably placebo effect. I'll see if anything changes later on.
January 26th, 2026I have a bad but good feeling. It feels good and bad. I went to the thrift yesterday though, that was fun. I have a feeling I'll die.
January 28th, 2026I told the guy I like that, well, I like him. He hasn't responded, It's been 2 days. He could've said no or yes or anything inbetween. I just wanted a reply, but I guess I'm not worth taking 5 seconds to write back to because my feelings are stupid and aren't true enough for him or whatever bullshit. I'm not mad, I just think It's fucked up somebody I actually feel something towards doesn't want to write back. But hopefully he's just processing it and doesn't actually hate me enough to not respond.
February 2nd, 2026I have been told venus is coming soon, and saturns rings are ringing. People are annoying.
February 4th, 2026My legs feel weak. I don't know why but I keep having trouble walking. I just feel so tired. I don't want to do anything important, only lying in bed playing games or something. Not even sleeping, I just want to relax. Everything is becoming boring.
February 12th, 2026I'm doing a petition because I got lunch detention for having my iPad charged at 79% when it drained overnight. The rule is for it to be at 80%. This is illogical.
February 19th, 2026I'm back on prozac, I got switched to zoloft awhile ago because of my mom. I just kinda forgot to write it in here that I switched to zoloft but now back to prozac. But, I feel like my world is crumbling even if it isn't actually. It's not like I'm dying, but I FEEL like I am. Nobody listens at all, never. Something is ruined. Like, terribly ruined. It sounds dumb but you've got to understand how I feel. He doesn't like me back.
February 23rd, 2026Eternity is scary. I don't like my thoughts because I have no track of them. They torture me. At least the days treat me well.
March 2nd, 2026Holy guacamole I got my first A+ on a math test in 8th grade. I'm like REALLY happy about that.
March 4th, 2026There's drama going around at school. Everybody, like EVERYBODY is mad at this one kid. I'm not mad necessarily, but it is upsetting to witness. He's just been really weird with a friend of mine and a lot of other stuff. It's really immature, I feel bad for her.
March 10th, 2026I feel terrible all the time. At the same time I feel so neutral towards everything. Maybe because I only focus on things that I think matter, when really they don't. I'm so tired, I'm destroying myself by the day. I mean, what really matters? Nothing expect the universe does, realistically. But I kind of hate that thought, yet I also find some comfort in it. "This Too Shall Pass", everything will be alright in the end. Nobody should expect the good to last forever, but the bad won't last forever either. It is draining. I mean, do I even matter? Technically I do, but my feelings are telling me otherwise. My brain is always at a tug of war. One side is right and the other is delusional, like actually delusional. Speaking of, I hate how people made that word into some quirky thing. "Delulu" or whatever, it is sickening. People are so disgusting, they lay in their own filth.
March 17th, 2026I can only hope for good. Something is ruined, and I'm almost sure of it. I don't want to believe it at all, I really don't want to since it'll feel life ruining. I hate this feeling.
March 18th, 2026I have the urge to do something that would be very bad, but the thing won't stop annoying me. I feel like I need to do this, but it'll only end horribly so why should I? This is confusing.
March 24th, 2026I'm starting to feel better since I'm trying to get over the guy I like.
March 28th, 2026I've grown to hate almost everything, yet love it at the same time. I am eternally grateful for people, though. Humans are parasites, yet so beautiful at the same time. I'm more grateful to be human than be any other animal. Because if I were to be any other animal, then I'd probably be eaten or hunted. I am grateful to be living.
March 30th, 2026No more hope to give but I continue anyways. Odd things for an odd, disgusting, rotting world. Why does it continue? If I die would it still continue? My brain is rotting. It's been rotting for a couple years now. I hate those people who say they cannot help because I'm not old enough. What kind of logic is that? If people need help, give it to them. You are willingly letting them suffer. I hate the medical system more than anything. Just give me what I need before my condition gets worse, and give it to kids older and younger than me. Those people and I deserve more than hearing such idiotic ideas. I don't want to die yet, but I'm so tired of my brain. I'm just another "schizo" to them.
April 8th, 2026PE class deadass has to be some sort of child abuse. It's so annoying how the system for PE works. I think teaching us about dieting (not just what we should and shouldn't eat, but also facts about nutrition and stuff) AND exercise would be more useful for life. Instead, all we do is play sports and run, I find it illogical but whatever. The teachers are dicks too, they're completely immature for their age and act as if they run the place. In a way, they do run it but authority doesn't mean you're better.
April 9th, 2026My dose of prozac has increased.
My mood has gotten better, I'm pretty happy about that and happy in general! I'm very glad. I hope things only get better from here.